For Part 1 of this odyssey, please click here.
Tuesday, June 9
00:05 – A small herd of us descend on the night club.
00:07 – For a man who never dances, I feel like dancing. Nay. I need to dance. Fayez is already lost to the music.
00:08 – Jostle our way up to the bar. Recognise some of the faces from the pool. Hugs all around.
00:09 – Order 10 beers.
00:10 – Distribute 9 beers to my new friends.
00:15 – Order another 10 beers.
00:20 – Try and negotiate a bottle of champagne for Scott. Denied. I offer $20 US. Denied. I offer $20 Canadian. The bartender looks like he wants to spit on me.
00:25 – I negotiate 10 glasses of champagne. It is just not as pimping as a bottle. Or three:
In most Caribbean nations, he is merely known as Champaña.
00:28 – Distribute the glasses of bubbly to my new friends.
00:30 – Recognise a group of girls from the beach. Fayez is already talking to them.
00:31 – Respect for Fayez increases.
00:32 – Start talking to one of the girls. Turns out she is hyper-competitive. I challenge her to a dance-off. She accepts.
00:33 – Stupidly refuse to back down from my challenge.
00:35 – She goes to the washroom.
00:40 – Offered a shot of tequila by a very drunk girl. Accept.
00:45 – Order a round of whisky. I drink them with strangers.
00:?? – Order another round of whisky. I drink them with other strangers.
00:?? – Realise that my dance-off adversary is not coming back. Oh well.
00:?? – Talking with the couple from Scranton. His name is Jim. Or Tim. Or Russell. God knows. He is valiantly trying to woo his wife through interpretative dance. She does not look wooed. He looks like he is having the time of his life. By the look on her face, it seems like he does this often. I am mesmerized by him.
??:?? – Talking to Jim/Tim/Russell’s muscular friend from the pool. Apparently his name is also Jim. Or Tim. Or Russell. I squeeze his bicep.
??:?? – I become supersonic…
Beer
…
whisky
…
rain
…
ocean
…
glasses
…
sand
…
…
09:45 – I awake. Alone. Naked.
09:46 – Brace myself for the horror of the hangover.
09:55 – No pain yet. Our Magic Booze Theorem stands true!
10:00 – Walk into the bathroom. My clothes are strewn all over the floor, soaking wet and covered in sand. In fact, there is sand everywhere. There are soaking wet US dollars next to the sink on top of a destroyed pack of cigarettes. My wallet is still in the front pocket of my jeans and is heavy from the water. Jesus.
10:15 – Get dressed, put on a giant hat and sunglasses and limp, incognito, to the breakfast buffet.
10:17 – Helping myself to scrambled eggs and bacon when I hear my name. It is muscular Jim/Tim/Russell. He has just come from the gym and is looking jacked. His girlfriend speed-walks by with her iPod strapped to her shoulder and a plate of fruit in her hand. I squeeze out a hello.
10:18 – Talking to muscular Jim/Tim/Russell. He seems to know more about my evening than I do. He gives me a coy smile, offers me a fist bump and walks away.
10:20 – Rich in eggs and bacon, I go in search of a dark table in the corner. I hear my name again. It is the Scranton couple. I am happy to see them.
10:22 – Trying to explain what happened to me the night before but there are too many holes. Jim/Tim/Russell is very amused. We make plans for afternoon pool drinking.
10:25 – Locate Fayez and Joey and eat with them. Fayez fills me in on some details.
10:40 – Find Scott on the beach.
…
12:00 – Playing volleyball. Shirtless. Again.
…
14:00 – Through numerous interviews with Fayez and Scott, I have been able to piece together most of the evening. Relieved, I decide I don’t need to hide my face from anyone.
14:15 – Quiz Scott on everyone’s real name. We have the following conversation:
Joe: The guy from Scranton is Jim or Russell, right?
Scott: No. Tim.
Joe: Oh. Are you sure?
Scott: Yes.
Joe: And the dude with the big muscles?
Scott: Tim.
Joe: Really?
Scott: Yes.
Joe: These Americans are really creative…What about their wives?
Scott: Scranton Tim’s wife is Angela.
Joe: She’s too hot for him.
Scott: I know. And the one dating He-Man is Jaclyn.
Joe: How the fuck do you know all this?
Scott: I wasn’t blind wasted last night.
Joe: Hmm, good point. Pool?
Scott: Yes.
14:30 – Descend on the pool. Most of our friends are already there. Scranton Tim (hereby known simply as Tim) is 90% submerged and lurking with his shades on, like some sort of predator. Well, a very slow predator, that is. Or maybe he is just always peeing. The couple from Oshawa are also there (Jeff and Michelle) as well as a very tanned fellow by the name of Dwayne. Dwayne and Jeff are the pool whores – they are friends with everyone.
14:35 – Order a few beers. Throw the football around. Tim throws very poorly. Big Tim (hereby known as Big Tim) tells him that he throws like a Canadian. We don’t argue. Only a fool would.
15:00 – I tell Tim that having such a hot wife gives me hope. He tells me her mother is hot and single. I am immediately interested.
15:30 – Making mildly inappropriate comments about Angela’s mother. She is encouraging it. I tell her I look forward to being her step-father. Tim is already calling me Dad.
16:00 – After a wayward comment about young Filipino boys (I may or may not have made said comment), we establish some pool rules:
- No jokes about children or rape. (Tim looks disappointed).
- It is OK to pee while talking to someone.
- We should take turns ordering drinks.
17:00 – Dwayne asks if anyone needs a beer. We all scream yes. While no one is paying attention, Dwayne builds a giant beer-amyd. It is impressive. Judging by his face, it looks like it ranks among the great achievements of his life.
17:30 – The beer-amyd is half-gone.
18:00 – The beer-amyd is gone. The security guard arrives. We all run home like kids summoned by their parents.
…
21:00 – Drinks in the lobby bar.
…
Wednesday, June 10
00:15 – Scott, Fayez and I decide to check out the karaoke club.
00:20 – The chosen songs are perfect. The delivery is a bit wonky but we are just drunk enough to enjoy it. Let’s just say that Elton John and Brian Adams are featured heavily.
01:00 – Decide to hit the club.
01:05 – I feel a little ill walking in. I try and avoid eye contact.
01:10 – At the bar. I order 1 beer. I look around for familiar faces. I spot Fayez on the raised stage, dancing, surveying. I am impressed.
01:30 – Finish my beer and urge Scott to leave. He agrees. Fayez is disappointed but follows. He dances all the way home.
02:00 – Fall asleep to NBA highlights.
…
09:30 – Awake. Alone. Clothed. Relieved.
10:30 – Having skipped breakfast, I amble down to the beach and find the regular crowd. Andre has two drinks in hand, Fayez is dancing, Scott is with El Pollo Loco. Everything is as it should be.
12:00 – Play volleyball. Shirtless. Apparently, I have no regard for my health.
13:00 – Have lunch.
14:00 – Everyone returns to their room to prepare for the wedding ceremony. Apart from me. I head to the pool.
14:30 – I encounter a pool acquaintance from Cleveland (his name escapes me). He impressively reminds me that I have a wedding to attend. I tell him that I am only going to the reception. He shakes my hand and ‘buys’ me a beer.
15:00 – Tim shows up. He tells me that the next round is on him. We agree not to make that joke anymore. We throw the football around. He deliberately underthrows every pass so it splashes water in my face. He is unbelievably pleased with himself.
15:30 – With every passing beer, Tim’s strategy becomes funnier to him.
16:00 – Angela appears. She tells me that they found a hardcore porn channel (channel 96) on the resort. It is in black and white and has no sound. This seems to excite Tim more than it should. We then engage in real, adult conversation. It is mildly awkward.
16:30 – Growing concerned that Scott has not shown up. I fear I may be missing something important. Like the wedding, perhaps?
16:45 – Scott comes barreling around the corner and launches himself into the pool. He is about 8 beers behind. And he knows it. He becomes the Beer Monster.
17:00 – Scott says the next round is on him. Tim and I shake our heads.
18:00 – We are expelled.
18:30 – Showered and dressed, we are back on the beach for the newlyweds’ first dance. Scott and I do not get the chance to unleash our patented man-man dance:
Dave and Shannon’s wedding
Wedding we crashed in Cuba
Em and Bruno’s wedding.
19:30 – We arrive at the restaurant that will host the reception. We find our assigned table and sit down. Leonardo is our waiter. He is incredibly attentive.
19:45 – Leonardo has already brought me 2 beers. And nothing for anyone else at my table. He stands to attention every time he approaches and waits for me to summon him. If he weren’t so damn good at his job, he would be creeping me out.
20:00 – I now have 4 full beers in front of me. No one else at the table has a drink.
20:30 – I am now high-fiving Leonardo as he brings me yet more beer. Scott is still waiting for his first. Not coincidentally, I am way more drunk than everyone else.
20:45 – The emcee for the night, Sammy, is tapping the mic and trying to get our attention. He introduces a game that he would like to play. He has placed all our names in a hat and will pick three at random. I normally fear that my name will get selected but, tonight, I am with Scott; if anything, he brings the shame worse than me.
20:50 – Scott knows the fix is in as soon as his name is called. He reluctantly gets up and walks to the stage. I know instantly that this will end badly…
In Part 3, see how Scott shames himself at the wedding reception. Also, Tim and Joe fear a beating from a large Newfoundlander. Also, nudity, catapulting cashews and fresh blood.
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