Interested in looking under the hood of The Scrib? Curious to know what hilarious shit people are Googling to end up at The Scrib? Want to know where to get a gay massage in Saudi Arabia? I thought so!
A big portion of my responsibilities as Managing Editor is to monitor the success and popularity of the site. I address this on a daily basis. One of the tools that I use to assess site traffic and reader behaviour patterns is Google Analytics. It is a free service that is pretty easy to set up but does offer a great deal of invaluable information. Despite its repetitiveness, this task never ceases to entertain, boggle and, above all else, amuse.
To get started, there are, ostensibly, three types of web traffic: referral, direct and search.
Referral: a third-party web site that links back to The Scrib (e.g. Facebook)
Direct: people who come to The Scrib without being directed here by anything other than their good taste.
Search: people who are directed to The Scrib from the results provided by a search engine query (e.g. Google).
Without further ado, here are some highlights and statistics that you may find interesting:
- The most read story of all time is: 8 Most Loathsome TV Characters. This piece continues to garner steady readership on a daily basis. The reason for this is partially explained below.
- The story that took people the longest to read: What’s in a Name? The Perfect Jeremy Lin Storm. Read it. It makes sense. I guess.
- The story that caused people to leave the site the fastest: iJoe and His Lost Identity. According to the stats, people took the time to read it. Just that 85%of them buggered off right away. I like to think that my words inspired them to call their parents. Or hug their children. Or maybe they just hate me.
- A large percentage of our readers are from Canada and the US, with a strong representation from the UK. I have recently noticed a large readership from Bangladesh and Pakistan. Also from Malaysia and Indonesia. Welcome!
- Internet Explorer is, effectively, dead.
- Canadians are very loyal.
- As are Belgians.
- New Zealanders…not so much.
- The most commonly searched keyword that brings readers to The Scrib: Kenneth Parcell. This probably explains why traffic to the Most Loathsome TV Characters article is so high. It just begs the question: why are so many people searching for this? (Amazingly, I am not including the 50-odd people who have found their way to The Scrib by searching for “30 Rock hick”). Kudos to NBC for creating such a widely searched character. I guess.
- In fact, the single most entertaining aspect of evaluating site analytics is seeing the search engine queries that bring people to our site. Below are some of my favourites (all from Google):
Why they ended up at The Scrib
|“Yo mama so fat”||Our homage to the mama joke.|
|“And vacated the women pissing porn”||I would really love to know what this person was expecting to find. I am sure they must have been disappointed to find an article about the appropriateness of getting drunk in front your pregnant girlfriend. Not sure how Google made this association. We have yet to publish a piece about golden showers.|
|“shitface drink bangkok”||I am thrilled to be able to offer some insight on how to get fucked up in Bangkok.|
|“Bangkok strip joints whistle through vagina”||Again, just thrilled.|
|“I am a Pakistani gay massage Jeddah 2012”||Um…|
|“jim halpert dick suck”||We are proud to announce that words “Jim Halpert” and “suck dick” do appear in the same article.|
|“How to convince your boss you don’t suck”||We actually have 8 ways to convince your boss that you don’t suck. Thanks for asking!|
|“swimming pool peed”||Yup, we got that!|
|“white guy in bangaldesh”||Is it possible that they actually remember me? I really am pretty white. And pretty big. Welcome, readers from Dhaka!|
At The Scrib, we take pride in our ability to cater to the tastes of those from all walks of life. We go the extra mile to show you how to get drunk in Bangkok or to tell you that it is OK to pee in your pool. We strive to keep the unemployable employed. And yes, you are welcome to visit us if you are a gay Pakistani man living in Jeddah. Sadly, however, we do not know where you can get a massage.
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