As a parent, you end up in a lot of situations where your children say certain things – taken the wrong way (or even the right way) – that can be massively embarrassing. Especially when children are little, and there is a lot of unexpected nudity and a huge volume of uncomfortable questions. And if you are a parent with a sense of humor that some would call “low brow” (but I would call “kick ass”), sometimes even the most innocent comment from your child can lead to a snort and a Facebook post.
Here are some things commonly said by children that, while entirely innocent, would not be out of place on the, say, grounds of the Playboy Mansion.
8. I’m gonna ride the zip line naked!
Do you have a home-made zip line? If you don’t then you must get on that immediately. Do you have children? Then I will bet you dollars to donuts that there has been some naked zip line riding. And if poor schmucks like us have naked zip line riding, then it is long overdue at the Playboy Mansion.
On the other hand, they do have a zoo. Which leads to the unavoidable assumption that there is naked marmoset riding. Touche, Mr. Hefner. Touche.
7. Daddy, can I sit in your lap?
You know Hefner has heard this at least a bazillion times. Dads, don’t think about the parallels between the two of these for too long or you will choke on the heebie jeebies. Pretty soon everything your little girl says will make you shudder, and then you’ll be asking your daughter to call you Frank.
Don’t be that guy, Frank.
6. I need to be wiped!
Oh, the amount of creams, lotions, and lubes that must be used at the Mansion! Not unlike the vast pools of cream you use on your children’s behinds when they are babies. And then they get older, and you get to wipe their genitals at their beck and call. And then you get a job at the Playboy Mansion as Head Bunny Wiper on the night shift, and then it just never ends.
5. Penis penis vagina butt!
Around preschool age, children get obsessed with the names of body parts. I am not talking about “Heads, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes”, you wishful dreamers. No no, I am talking below the belt and above their chubby little knees. There will be songs written, jokes developed, and new names bestowed upon household objects using those few words……penis penis vagina butt.
You have to admit it has a certain rhythm to it. I’d like to think that “penis penis vagina butt” is the Playboy Mansion’s version of “eenie meenie minie mo”. Ooooooh man! What’s it going to be, Miss September?!! Let’s cross our fingers for “Lose a Turn!”
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’twas a rainy day today at my playboy mansion/daycare so the kids played MarioKart on the Wii. They had the following things to say (in high-pitched, frantic tones that only video games can bring about): “Push the back button!! The back button!! PUSH IT!!!” as well as, “I need batteries!! My batteries died and I can’t finish without batteries!! Where are the batteries?!?!”