Smoking is the best. And the world is a terrible place when you’re not. If you have made the uninformed decision to quit, there are a whole host of things that you will inevitably turn to when are having a nic fit. Most of these will not help. And some of them are pretty damn bad for you. But we wouldn’t blame you for going down that road. Here are 8 things to avoid when you quit smoking.
8. Eating
Not just snacks here and there, either. It’ll be every bit of food in your house that is heavy, fatty, and/or greasy. You’ll amaze yourself with how good it feels to sit and stuff your face, and sob into your ice cream because of it. Anything will seem like a good meal if it fills the void that a lack of nicotine has made. Or you’ll give yourself a heart attack and then hopefully be free of this hell.
7. Begging
You will assault everyone whit whom you come into contact. Like a time traveler stuck in the past, you’ll throw yourself at anyone you can get your hands on in the hopes that they’ll have one precious cancer stick. They’ll awkwardly reject you, blatantly run away, or punch you in the throat out of reflex and terror. Warning: you will most likely make at least one child cry or be electrocuted by the cops. Expect a video of you on YouTube with people “loling” at your suffering.
6. Becoming Ganesh
I don’t mean you’ll want to literally become this Hindu deity, but you’ll take on his attributes. You’ll adapt his elephant-like fear of mice very quickly. Any and all scuttles or small noises will cause you to rain down hellfire and smite bitches left and right. Yes, this will include; strangers’ babies, your own mother, and inanimate objects. Those motherfuckers. Hopefully this doesn’t extend to writers on the internet.
5. Butt-picking
This actually sounds less disgusting than what I really mean. At one point, you’ll be staring at your ashtrays or the pavement with sick desperation. If there’s any unfinished cigarette around, you’ll debate smoking it just to stop it from mocking you. As you realize what you’re doing, you’ll be hit with a shame akin to a junkie giving head for his fix. Don’t worry, this feeling will fade if you opt for weeping in the shower instead.
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