If you’re like me (and God help you if you are), you’ve had just about enough of this Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon. Fans, please don’t lynch me yet. I’m not here to trash the books themselves. That bandwagon’s so full it’s skimming the ground. No, I’m here to hate on everybody else. The fans who love it a bit too much, the critics who take it way to seriously, and the liars who pretend they never read it at all. So, without further ado, let’s start the bitching.
8. People Who Pretend They Read the Whole Thing
Come on. Admit it. You did the same thing I did. You skimmed through the book to read the sex parts. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Did you really want to know all about Ana’s emotional journey? No. Did you really care about Christian’s demons? No. You just wanted some good old-fashioned depravity.
The only reason to be ashamed is if you never actually forked over the cash for it and just stood in the corner of the book section at Target flipping through pages and looking up every few seconds to make sure that you weren’t seen by some six-year-old who got lost on her way to the kid’s section. Not that I would know because I would never even dream of doing something like that.
7. It Gives Writers of Fan Fiction Delusions of Grandeur
We all know that Fifty Shades of Grey started out as Twilight fan fiction. I have no problem with that. Why should Stephenie Meyer have all the fun? What bugs me is that now every Comic-Con geek who ever imagined how their favorite characters might get it on thinks they have the chance at a book deal.
What’s next? Ron and Harry’s dueling “wands”? Two Star Trek Cardassians tag-teaming Kim Kardashian? Keep those things where they belong: In a drawer where your mom can’t find them.
6. I Have to Hear the Phrase “Mommy Porn” in (Seemingly) Normal Conversations
The first time I heard the term “Mommy Porn”, I thought it was for those adult men who like to dress up in diapers. Bring out your pacifiers and giant wet wipes and let’s watch some Mommy Porn!
Sadly, no. This is a derogatory term for erotic novels meant to appeal to readers (I guess the assumption is that they’re all mommies) who want a story to go with their smut but don’t want to be bothered with realistic characters and situations. Like cable news you can respect yourself for in the morning.
5. Critics Use It as an Excuse to Get Angry and Act Superior
It’s time, once and for all, for you people to get over yourselves. You’ve been trashing popular culture since Dr. Seuss, and your attitude has only gotten worse.
You say the book is degrading to women. (Have you seen those “Hail to the V” commercials?)
You say it’s badly written. They said that about Hemingway once, too. (I don’t know if that’s true. It just sounded good.)
You say it shows how far the literary standards of the public have fallen. FYI: They really haven’t fallen that far. Maybe you loved Salinger and Vonnegut in high school, but the rest of us still snicker when someone says Moby Dick.