Who the hell likes being a lawyer? And while we’re at it, who has any love working as a plumber, accountant, hit squad leader, arms dealer or proctologist? But wouldn’t everyone love owning a beer garden, tavern or gin joint? What’s not to like about owning a fully stocked bar, a Skee-ball machine, a constant supply of peanuts and an internet jukebox? And what other workplace in the world turns a blind eye to a besotted proprietor? Below are eight very powerful reasons why it rocks to own a bar.
8. You Own A Deep Fryer
Usually the soberness of a home kitchen forces you to act sensibly. You peruse food labels for high fructose corn syrup and other dietary poisons. Heart-healthy impulses force you to even trim the fat off steaks before grilling. But at the restaurant, you boldly oversalt and put bacon in everything, even the brownies. You accept being addicted to deep frying food: Oreos, Snickers, corn dogs, (even!) grilled chicken, Quarter Pounders with Cheese, because nearly everything tastes better cooked in a deep vat of hot fat. Better yet, humongous tubs of ranch dressing and hot sauce are always at hand for serious dunking and guzzling.
7. Fully Sanctioned Liquor, Wine and Beer Tastings
Successfully launching a new liquor-based product happens to be one of the most difficult business feats in the world. So to create buzz about their new beer, wine or hazelnut tequila, brewers, vintners and liquor distillers look for prime placement on bar shelves and tap handles. As the gate keeper of your establishment’s wares you must intimately acquaint yourself with every spirit, brew and vino before offering them to the general public. Booze never goes bad so you snatch up as many liquid bribes as you can haul away. You always need plenty of firewater on hand since nothing soothes an enemy, girlfriend or wife like a bottle of hooch. Best of all, when you’re in the biz, no one looks at you askance when you start drinking at 8 a.m.
6. A Handy Cash Drawer at Your Disposal
No barman needs an ATM. Two words: Petty cash. Even in the age of plastic, every beer garden contains a cash register, yes, full of cash. After all, the employees are smart enough not to trust you to wait for credit cards tips until the next day, wisely taking their night’s earnings ASAP. When you own a bar, forgetting your wallet turns out not to be such a big deal. Cash on hand means immediately repaying yourself for buying a bag of burritos for the kitchen crew. If you want to impress a special customer, you just dramatically hit “No Sale”, catch the cash drawer, rip a $50 from the bin and yell, “Buy yourself something nice, baby! On me!”
5. You Are The Boss
Serving a bar menu of gloppy cheese pizza, cholesterol-laden spinach dip and buffalo wings dripping in sauce that reminds the palette of battery acid shouldn’t necessarily make one a taste maker. But if it’s your place, you not only get to make the rules but set the tone in all atmospheric matters. Does the “Bon Jovi” adoring ex-girlfriend who left town make you depressed? Exercise the power and banish those Jersey Boy’s tunes for all time. And why stop at being the arbiter of food and music? Penalize people for the way they dress, talk, their political beliefs or for being left handed. The pub, which I hope you named for yourself, serves as your petty dictatorship. Mental instability might result in a quick exit from the business, but you can out-crazy the soup Nazi while the going is good.