Most of us (i.e. those who refuse to get the flu shot) will contract some form of head cold, sore throat or full-blown influenza at some point this winter. If, like me, your gift came early this year, don’t worry: it will probably strike again. And seriously, don’t worry. Some good can come of it. Here ate the 8 best things about being sick:
8. Unplanned Weight Loss
No one enjoys eating when they are sick. Notwithstanding a shot or two of scotch in your toddy, most people also veer away from the sauce when they are unwell (with the obvious exception being the time-tested cure for all viral illnesses: a dozen old-school Long Island Iced Teas). Even with a minor head cold, the loss of taste can be a major food turn-off. Who enjoys scarfing down a couple of hot dogs when their head feels like it is trapped in a sealed box? Take this opportunity to load up on fruit and veg, stop the booze intake for a few days and you’ll magically shed a few pounds.
Ideal illness: gastro.
Seriously, who doesn’t like a pity party every now and then? Men. That’s who. All men try to solicit the utmost sympathy from anyone with whom they come into contact when sick. You will flail as if you have been shot, cry like a lost kitten and generally behave like a pathetic child. Even your mean, hard wife won’t be able to resist your helplessness. As a means of seeking help with this mess, she will call your mother. Win. Nothing is better than having your mum know you are sick.
Ideal illness: anything perceptible.
You will finally be excused for staying in bed all day. There are two schools of thought here:
1) Hope for a mid-week illness so you can skip a good deal of work and sleep in late on a weekday;
2) Hope for a weekend illness so you can watch college football and the NFL on consecutive days without being interrupted.
Ideal illness: full-blown flu.
5. Excuse not to bathe
Not even the harshest bastard around would make a disparaging comment about your hygiene when you are unwell. Take this opportunity to step into your comfiest PJs and soil the shit out of them for 3 straight days.
Ideal illness: mild fever.