An honest and complete list would have to include at least three of my former bands. But it won’t. Because audio clips would make you all sad. And never to return this site. Some of you may still never return. But at least you were not repelled by anything that I did. Here is a list of my (totally subjective) worst bands of all time.
In descending order of auditory terrorism:
8. Gloria Gaynor
She belongs on this list for writing the single worst song that will ever be written. I am moving on as I cannot be rational about this.
7. My Chemical Charlotte Fall-Out
At least post-modern pop punk acts like Blink-182 and The Offspring were able to poke fun at themselves to detract from some of their forgetful music. There is no greater sin than being bad at what you do and then demand to be taken seriously. And also getting richer than me while doing it.
What made U2 so goddamn world-changing was the raw, unproduced power of War or the intimacy and total fucking togetherness of Rattle and Hum. That album came from and belonged to us all. Anyone over the age of 30 cannot have escaped their youth without having part of it shaped by the good U2. So how is it that a band that recorded this heroic piece was able to ‘evolve’ into the people who are responsible for this abortion? In the end, I guess their greatest crime was not going pulling a Skynyrd in, say, 1989.
5. Right Said Fred
In Britain, they are actually remembered for two songs from the early 90s: One is the ubiquitous anthem that all North Americans not-so-fondly remember; the other was a popular song that was released just in time to, regrettably, blast in my face as I played with my first real, live vagina. Listening to this song today makes me wonder if there is a German word that describes the deep shame that one feels by being sexually aroused by something that is designed to, well, not. At all.
4. Tori Amos
Undoubtedly talented and beautiful. She even had a song that a man could also enjoy. But she just came across as, um, you know, so very, um, batshit crazy. Like she would jab a spear right through your knuckles if you dared change the channel while she was watching her stories …
3. The Beatles
I have been playing guitar for over 15 years yet I do not know how to play a single Beatles song. But I do know how to play the theme song to Magnum PI. Go ahead. Click on it. It is awesome. I am also working on this. But nothing from the Beatles.
As a musician, I should respect jam bands a lot more than I do. But then again, I am the guy who gets aroused by Right Said Fred songs.
OK, so they covered the Song that Shall Not Be Named from No 8. And poorly at that. And they continue to release ‘music’ that sounds exactly like that cover. But slightly different. But not really. Their ‘music’ is just a guy talking while another guy plays an unrelated guitar riff. There is also a drummer but he may or may not be an infant child. The guy who is talking is saying stupid things that no one cares about. But with a tone that makes you think that he thinks that he is better than you. But he isn’t, obviously. Because I am in a band with a singer. And he isn’t.
I hope he starts dating Tori Amos. And soon.