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How to Prepare For Your Wedding

Joe and Anita wedding

Thing is, do you really want to have a wedding?

If you are a man, the simple answer is no. For the average man, organising a wedding – heck, even attending one – can rank down there with botulism and prison bathing. Rare is the man who can raise a hallelujah for embossed card or water-submerged-stone-filled vases. Even rarer is the man who wilfully engages in the minutiae that surrounds the most uncomfortable day of his life. Truth be told, there really is only one reason why a man keeps himself involved at all: money.

The truth is that, at most, you will need to endure only one such day in your life (assuming, naturally, that should you choose to marry multiple times, you will have learned your lesson the first time around). So, what is the harm in sacrificing one day to appease your life partner, the love of your life?

As with most things, it depends on you.

And, of course, money.

When your time comes, you will be surprised to realise that you are far more prepared than you would have otherwise believed. Life has prepared you to deal with all eventualities. To wit:

Every man has been forced to part with twelve bucks from a meddlesome rose peddler while on a date (the subliminal thought process being that deflowering the former can lead to the same with the latter).

Every man has had a very average meal and been forced to pay far more than his share.

Every man has had to settle a taxi fare for an entire group of people.

Every man has had to overtip on behalf of poorly behaved friends.

Every man has put money into a jukebox and requested songs that he loathes.

Every man has taken tens of thousands of dollars from his bank account and set them on fire for sport.

In the end, most men have been preparing for the financial hemorrhage that comes with paying for a wedding for years; but perhaps not on the scale that is expected. But life has indeed prepared us well; I can assure you that the outrage is somewhat dulled when the time comes to settle accounts.

Once the financial recovery is complete, you can begin to evaluate all the other hurdles that you have unwittingly been preparing for:

Every man has been pulled onto the dance floor by a drunken woman and shamed into shaking his arms.

Every man has posed for pictures with people whom he does not know or like.

Every man has been asked to remain somewhat sober during an event with an open bar.

Every man has been publically humiliated by his closest friend.

Every man has had food smeared into his face and resisted the urge to start a fight.

Every man has had to apologise for his incredibly wasted friends.

Every man has had to stay till the end of the party to make sure that no one drives home.

Every man has been made the center of attention against his wishes.

Every man has sucked it up and told his friends and family what they really mean to him. And it usually comes after half a bottle of scotch. And is far less eloquent than you had hoped.

But, of course, there will come a time when you will be woefully underprepared and no amount of air boxing and whiskey can save you.

I am fairly confident that every married man has cried like a little girl in front of his friends and family when he catches the first glimpse of his bride walking towards him.

And every married man will, in turn, thank his bride and apologise for being so difficult.

You can prepare for many things; but the truly wonderful things are immune. They just happen.

And yes, she was right all along.

The most you can hope for is that you played your part well enough.

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